


When You Say Nothing At All

by godimissthe2000s



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Babysitting, M/M, Post Foyet, Trauma, everyone's tired including the author, excessive caffeine consumption, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25045114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godimissthe2000s/pseuds/godimissthe2000s
Summary: Ever since Tobias Hankel, Reid has been plagued with nightmares. It was years ago and yet the incident still haunts him.In the aftermath of Haley's murder, Aaron is a wreck. He's left to raise his son in his own and he's never felt more alone.In the midst of all they're dealing with, Spencer and Aaron find peace in each other.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	1. It's Amazing

His alarm clock blares and Aaron forces himself out of bed. It was never this hard getting up before, but recently it feels like trying to move in a dream, he's hindered. Since Haley's death it's just...harder. Add to that the fact that he has to get up even earlier than usual to get Jack ready for school, and he's guaranteed a shitty morning.

It's not that he doesn't love that he gets more time with his son, though obviously he wished it were due to different reasons. He just wants something, someone, to help. There's a reason the term "it takes a village" was invented. Raising Jack on his own, just like getting out of bed, is so much harder than it should be. Especially when the poor boy is going through his own grief. 

Losing his mom, adjusting to just living with his dad, it's a lot for a five-year-old to deal with. So when he throws frequent tantrums and starts acting out at school, Aaron can't even get mad. Honestly he wishes he could do the same.

But he can't. He has to be strong for Jack, for his team, for himself. So despite the fact that he feels like his comforter is made of bricks he tosses it to the side. Like some sort of Olympic athlete, he groans with exertion at the act of sitting up and swinging his legs to the side of the bed. Now for the hardest part. Tentatively, he puts his foot on the ground and tears himself away from the bed, which, like a sentient being of it's own, clings itself to him. 

He doesn't make it up on the first try. He sits there, imagining himself getting up for minutes, before he finally manages it. He stands at the side of his bed, a small victory, but also, only the first battle of the day. 

He goes to his son's room to put him through the same agony he just endured. He looks upon Jack's cute, innocent face from the doorway and he hates what he has to do next. With a gentle nudge, the child opens his eyes. 

"Hey buddy, it's time to get ready," Hotch whispered. 

"I don't want to," Jack replies groggily. 

"I wish you didn't have to, Bud," Hotch continued, still whispering. He was about to press the issue, until Jack looked him in the eyes. He had the most tired look in them, without even saying anything he was pleading with Aaron to just let this one slide. 

He couldn't help it. No five-year-old should look that tired. So, despite all the parenting blogs that tell him to "stay firm" he called the school and told them Jack was sick. Unfortunately, again, he could not do the same. As soon as the sitter arrived he was off to work.

\---------

Spencer could see or feel nothing. He was in complete darkness, deprived of any sort of sensation, except the screaming. He didn't know who it was or where it was coming from but it surrounded him. He thrashed violently, not even sure where his limbs were going or what they were intended to do. 

Suddenly the screaming was cut off by a dull thunk, and Spencer was brought into reality. As he took in his surroundings, explanation dawned on him. The darkness was due to the fact that it was night and he was in bed. The screaming had come from his own mouth, caused by yet another nightmare. The thunk had been him hitting his head on the wall during his unconscious battle with nothing.

He threw the covers off and got up in one quick motion. His alarm hadn't gone off yet but there was no chance he was gonna fall back asleep, and he didn't want to regardless. He figured it was probably almost time to get up anyways so he started getting ready. 

Looking in the mirror as he brushed his hair, his mind started to wander. Though he was looking at himself, clean and just a hint taller and with much longer hair, the image of that younger, bright eyed version of himself laying amongst the leaves still clouded his vision. That exact sight is what greeted him in his dreams last night. Only, it was followed by an abstract recreation of the horrid events that followed. That which caused him to wake up to the darkness, screaming again.

 _Pathetic_ he thought to himself. _It's been three years, you should be over it. You're a federal agent you're supposed to be tough._

Despite what he told himself he couldn't shake the sunken feeling in his core. A sense of unease loomed over him as he finished getting ready and all he wanted was to get to work. These feelings couldn't find him buried under mounds of paperwork. 

He had gotten ready and on his way much faster than he expected. It was only 6, he didn't have to be there until 8, and his commute, at most, took 33.4 minutes. He even stopped at coffee shop, ordering a double, no, a triple shot of espresso with as much sugar as he could fit in the cup. And yet, he was still early walking into Quantico that morning.

 _Maybe too early_ he thought as he got into the elevator with Hotch. He had to be there long before than the rest of the team, being the unit chief and all. Reid checked his watch, slightly surprised. Hotch himself was running late and he looked exhausted.

"Rough morning?" He asked, not meaning to pry, but undeniably curious. It was unusual for their esteemed unit chief to look so worn out.

"You could say that. Jack really didn't want to get up for school and, well, I caved. How about you?" He asked. Hotch, too, had noticed something off about the man next to him. The tremor in his hands told him the coffee the young man was holding had done it's job, but the dark circles under his eyes told him that probably wouldn't be the last of the caffeinated beverage he would consume today.

"It was alright. I just woke up before my alarm."

"Most people would go back to sleep."

"Most people get the opportunity to go to their favorite coffee shop more than once a month. I had extra time I was getting my espresso," Spencer said, his tone light. Aaron smiled both at the statement, and the ease that came with the simple conversation.

Both were taken slightly by surprise at the elevator opening to reveal the hallway of the BAU. It couldn't have been that long, but they had both gotten somewhat lost in the moment of peace with each other. Neither wanted to leave the security of the elevator, but unfortunately they had no other choice. Hotch went to his office and Reid to his desk, both missing the other's presence.


	2. How You Can Speak

A simple expense report, something Hotch had done a million times, had never been so taxing. Their last case had used more resources than usual, the killer traveling all around the state meant they had to also. More resources meant more paperwork for Hotch. It wasn't usually a big deal but right now he was really wishing that serial killer had just stayed in one spot.

It was like his brain had gone on temporary strike, probably due to overworking. He couldn't blame it though. Not only did it already have the heavy demands of his job, but now it's taken on the workload of raising Jack alone as well. And that was a task that seemed to grow every day.

Today especially, he worried about what he would do with Jack tonight. He had a highly mandatory meeting and his sitter informed him last minute that she couldn't watch Jack tonight. Just the thought of trying to make last minute arrangements made his head spin. 

Tired of languishing over problems he couldn't do anything about at the moment, he turned his head to look out his office window. Down in the bullpen stood his team, his family, working contentedly. Specifically, Reid, who seemed to fly through the papers on his desk, putting sheet after sheet in his "done" pile. Hotch couldn't help but smile at the very Reid-like speed with which the young agent did his work. He found himself zoning out, focusing on the easy movements of the man below him instead of the task in front of him.

That is, until Reid steadily slowed to a pace as pitiful as Hotch himself had had before. A concerned pout replaced the subtle smile on Hotch's face as he watched Reid's previous energy vanish out of nowhere.

\-----

Reid totally wasn't tired. At least that's what he tells himself as he pours yet another cup of coffee, loading it with sweetener. Technically, after consuming so much caffeine and sugar in such a short span of time, his body should be going into some sort of shock, but he was too stubborn to let that happen.

You see, if he were to get violently ill due to caffeine overdose, he would have to stop working. The only reason he would drink so much coffee is due to fatigue, which is due to his lack of sleep, which would be due to the nightmares, and he'd be damned if he let those gosh darn dreams interfere with work. If he couldn't handle a bad dream, he had no business being in the FBI.

So he swallowed the heart that was beating out of his throat, steadied the shaking hands that could barely hold a pen, and got to work. He found, to his pleasant surprise that all the energy currently coursing through him (when properly reigned in) could be channeled into productivity. Before he knew it his stack of finished work seemed to appear nearly full out of nowhere.

Just as he began patting himself on the back, however, his luck changed. His caffeine levels dropped rapidly and he could feel himself slipping into fatigue. His body was demanding he get some actual sleep and he was tempted to comply. His blinks seemed to become longer and longer, he'd been on the same document for a few minutes now, and he'd read the same paragraph twice now and still didn't know what it was saying.

That last one was what finally made him pause. He's never had to reread anything before. Suddenly Spencer felt a pit in his stomach, the realization of just how much the nightmares were affecting him crashed into him all at once. That pit grew heavier to the point his stomach was actually hurting. Seemingly on autopilot, he made his way to the bathroom, locking himself in the nearest stall. He was in so much pain, he needed some Tylenol or something, anything to ease his suffering. 

That's when his mind supplied him with a horrifying solution. It had been almost two years since his last craving, he hadn't even needed to go to the NA meetings more than a few times. He exited the stall, staring at himself in the mirror. The figure looking back at him was not a pleasant sight. His eyes were darker than usual, his hair was dirty and unruly, there was a tremor making it's way through his entire body that he just couldn't seem to calm. He bared a haunting resemblance to the night he hobbled out of that graveyard in Georgia. 

\-----

Hotch's concern for his agent only grew with every second he observed. The young man worked like a remote low on battery, exhausted but still pushing. 

Then he stopped altogether, leaning back in his chair with an almost defeated look on his face. For a few moments he simply sat, clearly all out of effort, until he got up and moved towards the bathroom.

Hotch debates following him. He was worried and, honestly, curious about what was wrong with the other man, but at the same time following him into the restroom seemed a little weird. In the end his instinct to help his agent won, and he made his way to the bathroom. As he stood outside the door he pondered what he would even say, "hey Reid I noticed you looked tired so I followed you like a stalker to the restroom"? He didn't have time to actually prepare himself, as Reid came out of the bathroom, bumping into him on the way.

"Oh sorry Hotch."

"Oh no worries, are you feeling okay Reid?" The young agent looked a bit taken aback at the question.

"Fine, you?"

"I'd be great if my sitter hadn't cancelled," Hotch replied, trying to keep the conversation going in the hopes he could somehow get a read on Reid.

"Oh yeah you have that big budget meeting tonight don't you?"

"Yeah and nobody to watch Jack."

"I could watch him," Reid offered. Now it was Hotch's turn to be shocked.

"Oh no I couldn't ask you to give up your night," he said, trying to be polite, but honestly he was relieved.

"It's no problem, I had no plans anyways and it'd be fun to see Jack again."

"Alright, thank you so much, really. You just kinda saved my ass," Hotch chuckled, and made his way back to his office, content that he could ask Reid about what was up with him later tonight.

\-----

Reid has no idea why he offered to watch Jack. Hotch was his friend as much as his boss and he was happy to him a favor, and he really did look forward to seeing the kid again, but he was in no shape to be babysitting. Just a few minutes ago he'd been tucked away in a stall desperately fending off a narcotic craving. If Hotch has known he probably wouldn't want Reid anywhere near his son. Reid wouldn't blame him.

Either way, he was in this now and he wouldn't back out after seeing how clearly relieved his boss was to find someone to fill in. If there was anyone who needed a break, it was Hotch. Haley's death was hitting him hard and the fact that he was able to help, even a little bit, brought a smile to his face. 

His cravings weren't gone by any means, but they eased ever so slightly now that Reid has a task to focus on, one that he actually felt he would enjoy. Maybe I'm helping Hotch, he could distract himself from that looming weariness, even if only for a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My second post in 24 hours man quarantine is good for my writing, anyway yeah next chapter we get to see Reid babysitting which Im so excited to write!!! I can't wait to write some happiness in this fic


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